It used to be that writing was the same as thinking to me. I had thoughts, I'd write them. It was how I processed things. I'm not sure if that's the case anymore. People change, so do their thoughts.
Today I am listening to the soundtrack from Rise of the Guardians. It's beautiful, and heroic, and innocent. Music can really convey feelings better than anything.
I used to be so good at that. I used to be so good at conveying my heart through writing music. Then I think that part of me fell somewhere.

You know the Disney movie "Inside Out"? That movie is so true on so many levels. As I grew and learned and experienced new things, (some not so good things) my personality took a tole. Sadness touched my memories. My personality islands fell. "Music Playing" fell. I lost my love for it. I didn't want to do it. It became a chore. Singing hurt. Somewhere along the line "Writing" and "Acting" fell. I still get glimpses of them occasionally. I still have weird longings to learn opera (weird, right?) and I still cry when I hear woodwinds and french horns. But I'm not sure where they went or how to get them back. It's like looking at a reflection of myself and who I should be. It's as if I'm in a hall of mirrors and I see one of my personalities and I run toward it and bang my forehead on the glass. "Hahaha! Sucker! It's too late for you."

This is all so dramatic, right? Get over it. I try to tell myself that. Move on. You have real life to focus on. Your job. Your lack of money. Your bills. How can you make more money. How can you go back to school. How can you get rid of the feeling that music is part of you and something you have to pursue? This is the part where I usually start to feel anxious. I miss having an escape from my problems. I miss feeling normal.

I looked around just now. I was almost surprised to see my little cubical and people walking around. Here in my office in my own little chair. I can't help but feel like there is more than this. Though at the same time I genuinely enjoy my job. I love meeting new people every day. I love getting to see peoples faces and making connections with others.

How do people who listen to music and feel it inside them not feel the need to be involved in it? I can't be the only one who is moved by music who didn't go into a music profession. I also can't be that different. I'm not special. I'm just another person who feels like music is something I should be a part of. I'm not. Not nearly enough.

It's easy to pursue something when everyone is telling you to. In high school people asked me what I wanted to do with my life as a courtesy. They all knew. They all wanted the same thing for me. If I said otherwise they would look at me incredulously and ask me what the heck I was talking about. "Of course you'll keep singing! You have to!"

But... I didn't. I tried. I really did. I "followed my dreams". And the experience I had ruined it all. Being away from my family at college was really hard. Extremely. Dep (which is my nickname/imagined incarnate for depression) decided he was in control. I didn't really connect with anyone. I didn't have a job. My sleeping pattern flip-flopped. I remember drinking 5 cans of mountain dew in a 30 minute sitting because it reminded me of home and Scott. It became my comfort drink. But my mentality continued to plummet. I slept through all my day classes and somehow continued to make it to play practice at night. I had no personal space. No one likes to cry in front of someone they don't trust.
Scott would drive down to see me every other weekend. Honestly it kept me going. Every time he came it was like I felt human again. Then he would have to leave and I'd relapse. My family would come and visit me too. My mom and dad would come and see me and buy me food that tasted like food. I re-read what I just wrote and it sounds like a kind of prison. It wasn't, but it wasn't home.

I think its because I felt my islands falling all around me. I'm still recovering.


Oh so dramatic.