Well, technically this isn't my first day trying to lose weight; it also isn't a "weight loss journal". Its mostly just an account of my thoughts whilst trying to get my life (and body) back to normal. I simply didn't feel the need to write my thoughts down until I realized that was part of my normalcy. I used to write all the time, whatever came to my head. I literally filled notebooks to the brim with my thoughts and ideas. But. That's getting off topic. I'll address that later. Right now I'm going to cover what led to all of this.
The 2015 year was very intense for me. It included lots of different changes relationship-wise between myself and my family. On February 14th, I moved in with my boyfriend of 2 years, Scott. I was raised in a very conservative family of Christian faith. During this time (and much of late 2014) I was doing a lot of "soul-searching" and figuring out how I was going to live my life. A lot of my choices conflicted with what my parents wanted for me.
Aside from the external conflict that ensued, I was having a lot of issues internally as well. I have been in a battle with Depression since I was about 15 years old. It comes and goes, but it is strongest in the winter when there's a lack of sunlight (and thus, lack of vitamin D). After moving in with Scott, the situation with my parents and my (imagined) judgment from my hometown community increased my depression and turned into anxiety as well.
Depression in itself for me is a lack of ambition for anything. I would sit in front of the TV for hours; numb. Then the anxiety would flare. I would have as many as 3 panic attacks in a week. My brain would shut down, my body would tense up, I would feel numb and terrified at the same time. I felt constrained, like I was being shoved into a box. A simple hand touch would just make it worse. I remember feeling "too large" for my body. I would ask Scott to stretch my legs and arms so I would fit inside my body better. (That sentence in itself weirds me out a little.)
This sounds probably very strange to you. It is. It's hard to understand even if you've experienced it. It was a major contribution to my weight gain. I would eat my emotions. I remember sitting down and eating an entire pint of chocolate ice cream without even thinking about it. It was something I could control in my chaotic life.
Now I'm not making excuses. If I could somehow transport myself back in time I would probably look at myself in disgust. I simply didn't care about my health. Every other night Scott and I would eat frozen pizzas. The chemically composed $1.25 pizzas. Partially because it was one of the few foods we could afford, partially because we didn't want to cook. I'm sure I would be much better off if I had just learned to cook. It was our go-to.
That's just a light touch on what led me to where I am now. To be honest I'm surprised I've written this much without giving up. During the last year I have felt incredibly repressed creatively. Which is very different from when I had my original battle with Dep. Then I became more creative than ever. It was my only outlet. 2015 robbed me of every creative outlet I had; music, writing, art, even singing. I rarely sang. Every time I tried I would give up after 5 minutes. I've been writing for the last half an hour now. That's insane to me. I can only hope this healthy creativity and hope stays this time. It's been a long time.
Next time I should tell you about how I reached my epiphany moment. When I got all fed up with myself and how I was living. It was a hard day, and it wasn't that long ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment